Mall Madness
by striker
Summary: Everyone's excited about spending a day at the mall, everyone except Chris. And with all the trouble the other's get into, it's clear why. Rated R for language and adult situations. Please read and review


Disclaimer: Resident Evil and everything associated with it belong to Capcom.

Mall Madness

The large silver van pulled into a parking space within a large parking structure. Chris put the vehicle in park and glanced into the rearview mirror at the occupants. He signed as he shut off the engine. He didn't want to go to the mall, but his friends had roped him into it. The fact that the Summers Mall was having a massive sale had sparked this trip. For the past two days Jill and the others had talked about going. Barry had managed to get out by taking his family to the zoo. He had, however, let Chris use his van. "Lucky bastard." Chris muttered under his breath. At about nine in the morning the alarm had gone off and Jill literally pulled him from the house. Chris moaned and looked at the group, who were already getting restless. "All right, everyone out." The group quickly unloaded and made their way to one of the doors.

"I can't wait to get in there." Claire gleefully said. "I'm going to hit all the stores."

"Yeah." Leon added. "I'm going to get me some movies."

"Like you need anymore shit to shove in that apartment." Ark said. "It's like walking into a garbage dump. I swear one of these days I'm going to see a rat dart under a pile of pizza boxes."

"Hey, we cleaned up a little." Leon shot back.

Carlos leaned his elbow on Leon's shoulder. "So that's what those dumpsters were doing in front of your apartment."

Leon shoved Carlos off of him and stuck up his ring, middle, and index fingers. "Read between the lines bitch."

"Well I'm getting me some shoes." Rebecca chimed.

"You don't need anymore shoes." Jill said. "You have enough pairs to go through three months without repeating."

Rebecca gave Jill a sly look. "You can never have enough shoes."

Throughout the whole conversation Chris trailed the group, a dark look on his face. Jill stopped until Chris caught up to her. "What are you going to do?" She asked.

"Wonder why the hell I came instead of sleeping in." Chris replied.

Jill wrapped her arm around Chris' waist. "Tell you what. For coming with us I'll stop in Victoria's Secret and pick something up."

Chris shook his head. "Believe me, nothing you get there or anything you buy for me period will make up for dragging me here."

"Well you could have said no." Jill retorted.

"It's kind of hard to say no when someone is whacking you in the head with a pillow telling you to get your ass out of bed." Chris said.

"Just hang in there champ." Jill said. "This day will be over before you know it."

The group stood in from of a large screen showing a map of the mall. The building was massive, forming a diamond shape with two levels. A food court sat in the middle, complete with rides for the kids. At one of the three corners of the diamond sat a major department store, J. C. Penny's, Sears, and Boscov's. 

"Too bad the kids couldn't come." Rebecca said.

"Barry thought that it would be nice to take the kids to the zoo." Claire replied. "That way they wouldn't be in the way. Anyway, I'm off to J. C. Penny's. I hear they're having a blowout sale on formal wear."

"I'm going to Lockheed Video." Leon announced.

"I'm heading over to Dave's sports." Carlos said.

"Too bad they don't sell talent." Ark remarked.

Carlos flicked him off. "Fuck you. Where are you going?"

Ark grinned wickedly. "Spencer's Gifts."

"I'm going to Payless." Rebecca said.

"I got to head for Boscov's." Jill said.

Chris looked at his watch. "It's 10:00 now. At 1:00 we'll meet in the food court. After that we're leaving at 4:00. If you need me I'll be in the Wall."

The group departed for their own destinations to begin their shopping.

Chris stood in front of the movie rack looking through the anime videos. "Let's see, the special DVD of Akira. That was a good movie. Weird, but good. Ninja Scroll, Samurai X, Sin, seen them all."

Jill walked up to Chris, two bags in her hands. "You and your anime. Why can't you watch normal movies like normal people?"

"Because I like anime. In fact I'm still waiting for my copy of Ghost In the Machine to arrive. I ordered it a week ago." Chris replied. He turned to Jill. "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for some music." Jill replied, moving to the Rock section. "I wonder if they have the new Godsmack CD?"

Chris leaned on the rack as Jill browsed the selections. "I'd expect you to be into the Backstreet Boys/Brittany Spears crap, not Rock."

"I don't like that pop shit." Jill said. "Ever since the Army I've been into Heavy Metal and other good stuff. In fact, you shouldn't criticize my taste in music. You listen to Country."

"I grew up in the country." Chris said. "My parents used to listen to it all the time."

"Willie Nelson?" Jill asked.

"Garth Brooks, Alan Jackson, and Reba McEntire." Chris replied. "And as I recall, you like Two Pina Coladas."

Jill glared at Chris. "HA. Ha."

Chris began to walk away. "If you want me, I'll be at EB." Chris left the wall and headed for Electronic Boutique.

Rebecca exited Payless with four new pairs of shoes. As she walked down the crowded hall she spied Carlos in front of a pet store. He was tapping on a glass window, driving the puppies that were on the other side insane. "Has anyone told you it's wrong to tease animals?"

"Hey Becky." Carlos said. "Finish shoe shopping?"

Rebecca lifted up the bags. "Sure did. Where are your bags?"

Carlos shrugged. "There was nothing I wanted. I'm just going to wander around until we eat. That and play with the puppies."

Rebecca looked at the animals. She giggled as she watched a Black Lab playfully nip at a Cocker Spaniel. "That Black Lab looks cute."

"I'll get it for you." Carlos said.

"Really?" Rebecca happily asked."

"Sure." Carlos replied. "Might as well. If it makes you happy I'll but him for you." Carlos walked into the pet store and went up to the counter. "How much for the Black Lab?"

"$250." The woman at the counter said.

Carlos cringed as he pulled out his wallet. "Would it be possible to pick the puppy up later?"

"Sure." The lady replied. "We'll hold the animal for you." The woman took Carlos' money and gave him a slip along with the receipt. "Just present this when you're ready to pick the puppy up."

Carlos took the slip and left the shop. "We have the dog. All we have to do is stop back here before we leave."

Rebecca gave Carlos a hug. "Thank you." She then turned to the Lab. "And I'll see you later."

Claire looked herself over in the full-length mirror. "Not bad." She was in one of the changing rooms in J. C. Penny's. The pink-and-white striped dress clung nicely to her figure. She smiled as she took the dress off and bent down to lay it on the bench. When she stood back up she saw Leon standing behind her.

Leon wrapped his around her waist. "Haven't you always dreamed about making it in a changing room?"

Claire elbowed him in his gut. "God damn it Leon. What the hell is wrong with you?" She nervously scanned the ceiling. "They may have cameras watching us."

"Then we'll give them something to see." Leon replied, pinning Claire against the wall.

"You're gonna get us arrested." Claire growled, shoving Leon away. "And then my brother will kill us and dump our bodies where no one will fine them."

Leon smiled slyly. "You want to so bad."

"How about I yell for help." Claire snapped. She quickly donned her red shorts and black top. "Now get out of here." She pushed Leon out the door just as a store clerk walked by the booth. 

"What are you doing?" The man asked.

"Shit." Claire grabbed Leon by the arm and ran out of the store. "You are an ass Leon."

"Yeah, but I'm your ass." Leon replied, pinching her butt.

Claire whacked Leon again. "Remind me to kill you when we get home."

Chris leafed through a video game magazine. "I can't wait for Metal Gear Solid 2. I should probably get the new Zelda game too." He put back the magazine and walked over to the anime rack. "Maybe they have some good stuff here? Neon Genesis Evangelion, cool. Maybe I should get some of these?"

"Anime again?" Jill asked. "Don't you ever get enough?"

Chris held up one of the DVD cases. "In case you didn't know Neon Genesis Evangelion is considered to be one of the best anime series ever made. In fact I have all but the last two DVDs. Only problem is that I don't have enough money to buy them."

"Poor Chris, can't get his movies." Jill teased.

Chris looked at his watch. Almost time to meet the others. I'm going to head for the food court. See you there."

Jill watched Chris leave. When he was gone she picked up the two DVDs and walked to the counter.

Chris walked towards the food court. So far nothing bad had happened, but he had a feeling that one of his friends would do something incredible stupid. It was only a matter of time. He passed a jewelry store and glanced in the display window. A pendant caught his eye. It was gorgeous, with a bluish-green stone set on a silvery thread. Without hesitating, he walked into the store to buy the pendant.

Carlos and Rebecca waited near the entrance to the food court. "I can't wait until I get my puppy." Rebecca chimed.

"I bet that dog will love you." Carlos replied. "Oh, here comes Ark."

Ark walked over to his friends. "Guess what I got?" He reached into a small bag and pulled out a small box. "Edible underwear."

"Edible what?" Rebecca asked, surprised by what she heard.

"Edible undies." Ark replied. "You know, underwear that you wear and then have someone else eat off you and vise versa."

Carlos stared at Ark. "I seriously doubt that I would eat anything that has been stuck up someone's butt crack."

"Don't be a hardass." Ark said. "Speaking of which, where's Mr. Mopey?" 

"I believe you're talking about Chris." Rebecca said. "He's not here yet."

Just then Claire and Leon came running up to the group. "Hey guys." Leon said.

"Why were you running?" Ark asked.

"Because this idiot decided to have a little fun in a changing booth." Claire said. "Cause of him we almost got caught."

"You better hope that Chris doesn't fine out." Carlos said. "And here he comes."

Chris walked up to his friends. "Jill get here yet?"

"I'm here." Jill replied, walking up behind Chris. "Let's get something to eat, I'm hungry."

Chris bit into his slice of pizza and chewed contently. "How can you eat that greasy stuff?" Jill asked, picking at her stir-fry. "You should really eat something better."

"Will you please stop hounding me about what I eat?" Chris pleaded. "Why don't you pick one the others? They're eating unhealthy crap too."

"Hey, I'm having fish." Rebecca said, setting down her fish sandwich. 

Leon set down his double cheeseburger. "Don't start with this healthy eating crap. I mean, look at me. I eat whatever I want and I'm still in shape."

"Mostly thanks to me." Claire said, sipping her soda.

Carlos saw where this was going and decided to change the subject. "I've been thinking."

"Oh no." Ark moaned. "This'll be good."

Carlos gave Ark a dirty look before continuing. "As I was saying, I think I know why Chris is so down today. I think it's because Jill made him quit smoking cold turkey. She should have at least got him that patch."

"Hey, I did him a favor." Jill shot back in defense. "He was killing himself with that habit."

"Favor." Carlos replied. "His body probably hasn't adjusted to the absence of nicotine. He may be like this for the rest of his life. Am I right Becky?"

Rebecca nervously glanced over at Jill, who was looking at her like an interrogator. "I'd appreciate it if you leave me out of this."

"Good answer." Jill said. "Anyway, I was thinking about going to J. C. Penny's after we finish eating. I hear they have a great sale on dresses."

Claire had a nervous look on her face. "I don't think it's a good idea to go there."

"Yeah, maybe we could go somewhere else." Leon added.

"What did you two do?" Chris asked.

"We just had a little incident in the changing room." Claire replied.

Chris buried his face in his hand. "Don't even tell me what you did." Chris then sat up straight, pretending to be on the witness stand. "Why no your Honor, I've never seen these people before in my life. My sister? Oh no, there are a lot of Redfields that live around here."

"Ho, ho, ho." Claire said sarcastically. "That was too funny."

Ark grabbed his tray. "If you all will excuse me, I'm going to leave before this argument turns into a bloodbath." Ark had seen the Redfield siblings fight before. "I'll see you at the entrance."

"Fine." Chris said. The others finished their meals, threw away their trash, picked up their bags, and left. Chris watched Jill get up and dump her trash in the nearby trash bin. "You know most of this s your fault."

Jill stared at Chris. "What do you mean most of this is my fault?"

"You're the one who suggested we come here today and you're the one that drug me along." Chris replied. "Next time you go through hell, leave me out of it."

Jill crossed her arms pouted. "Just for that you won't get your little gift."

"What gift?" Chris asked.

Jill retrieved a small EB bag and pulled out the DVDs. "I got you those Evan-whatevers."

"Evangelion." Chris said. He took the bag and dug into his pocket. "Here, I got you this." He gave her the pendent he had bought.

Jill's eyes lit up. "How sweet. Now you're defiantly getting your other little treat."

"And what would that be?" Chris asked.

"I'll show you when he get home." Jill said, kissing him on the cheek and walking off.

Chris shook his head and followed her.

Ark and Carlos scanned the area. They were standing next to a female mannequin in Sears. When the cost was clear they began to look down the dress. Suddenly a woman came walking by. The two guys turned their attention to the woman, following her with their eyes as she passed them. When the woman disappeared, they went back to the mannequin.

"I can't believe you guys are so desperate that you'd be checking out mannequins." Rebecca said.

"Just seeing if this thing is anatomically correct." Ark said, pulling on the dress.

"Obviously it is." Carlos replied.

Rebecca shook her head. "You guys are perves. Out of all of you, only Barry and Chris act mature."

"Oh come on." Carlos said. "It's not like we're damaging anything."

At that time, one of the sales clerks caught them. "What the hell are you doing?" The man asked, enraged. "Get away from that mannequin this instant."

The two guys jumped, and in their haste knocked the mannequin over. "Sorry." Ark said. "I'll pick it up." He lifted the mannequin, only to have the head fall off.

"I'm going to have to call security." The man said.

Carlos grabbed Rebecca and Ark. "In that case, we better go." The trio made their escape, running past Chris and Jill.

"What happened?" Chris asked Rebecca.

Rebecca pointed towards the direction she had come from. "Ark and Carlos knocked over a mannequin. I think security's coming." With that, Rebecca took off.

Chris closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "If any of them go to jail I'm not bailing their asses out."

"I think we better go somewhere else." Jill said, following the others.

"What else could happen?" Chris moaned as he followed Jill.

Claire tossed in a few pennies into one of the large fountains in the mall. "Now what do I wish for?"

"Me and you in the changing room." Leon replied.

"Is sex the only thing you think about?" Claire asked.

"Only with you." Leon said, grabbing her from behind. "You and Jennifer Love Hewitt."

Claire stomped on his foot. "You are sick. Why the hell do I even go out with you?"

"Cause you find me irresistibly attractive." Leon said.

"No, cause I couldn't find better." Claire retorted.

Leon cringed and looked into the fountain, his ego crushed. Something caught his eye. "All right, one of those state quarters. Maryland, I need that one." He reached out to snag the coin.

"What in God's name are you trying to do?" Claire asked, staring confused at Leon.

"What do you think?" Leon responded. "I'm trying to get that quarter." He stranded his arm out, the quarter just out of reach.

Claire had a smirk on her face. "You know you'll fall in."

"Shut up Claire." Leon said. Sure enough he fell into the water with a big splash. Claire began to laugh as Leon pulled himself out of the water. "Coming in?" Leon grabbed his girlfriend and yanked her in with him. The two began to splash each other as people began to stop and watch.

Chris pushed his way through the crowd. He grabbed the couple and pulled them out of the fountain. He began to yell at them as the crowd dissipated. "God damn it! Why can't any of you act your Goddamn age? Between you going for a swim and those other assholes molesting a fucking mannequin I'm surprised I haven't gone insane." Chris sighed and threw up his arms. "Forget it." Chris walked away as Claire and Leon stood there, still dripping.

"I think he's pissed." Leon said.

Claire looked around. "Let's get out of here before security gets here." With that, the couple quickly left the area.

"Why do I even bother?" Chris said, staring at his cup of coffee. "Sometimes I think I'm dealing with a bunch of children. Now I know how Barry feels."

"They're in their twenties, like we are." Jill said, sipping her coffee.

"But still, they could act a little more sensibly. "Chris said." I'm sorry if I sound overbearing, but they can't go through life acting like that." 

Jill looked at him warmly. "Honey, maybe you should really loosen up. Sometimes you act to serious." She placed her hand in his. "Have some fun and try to ignore those clowns. It's who they are."

Chris smiled. "Maybe you're right."

Jill turned to get up, accidentally knocking her coffee off the table. The hot beverage hit her leg. "FUCK THAT'S HOT!" She shouted. Everyone turned and looked at her. She looked around at all the faces staring at her. "Sorry. I'm going to the bathroom now." Jill darted out of the café. Chris bowed his head as the people's glances shifted to him.

"This is all I need." He muttered. He began to think about what Jill had said. After a few minutes he got up and left.

Jill walked out of the restroom. The coffee had given her a bad burn, but the worst part was that she had embarrassed Chris. Suddenly someone grabbed her from behind. "If you want to live, I suggest you take your hands off me."

"And what if I don't?"

She recognized Chris' voice. "You don't what to know. I thought you'd be trying to find someplace to hang yourself?"

"I thought about your words of wisdom and came to the conclusion that I shouldn't let what happens get to me." Chris replied. "Besides, what happened to you was an accident."

"And you came here to check on me." Jill said, turning around. "How sweet"

Chris smiled. "So are you OK?"

"Sure, just a burn." Jill replied. "I've had worse. So what are we going to do?"

"Look around." Chris said. "I believe we have an hour left until we have to go."

The couple kissed and walked off.

Carlos stood in front of the pet store waiting for Rebecca. "What's taking her so long? Fifteen minutes and we're walking home."

Some Rebecca exited the store with the puppy in her arms. "He's so cute." Rebecca squealed. "Thank you so much." She kissed Carlos on the cheek and cuddled the puppy.

"You're welcome." Carlos said, rubbing his cheek.

"What step was that in your scheme to win her heart?" Ark asked, walking up behind Carlos.

Carlos gave Ark a dirty look. "I got Becky the puppy cause she wanted it, OK"

"Sure." Ark said. "We better get to the parking lot. I don't feel like thumbing a ride."

Carlos picked up Rebecca's bags and started after Rebecca with Ark in tow.

Chris leaned on the van. He and Jill had gone through half the stores, acting like teenagers on a date. The previous events had all but left his mind. Jill played with her pendent that she had hung around her neck. Claire and Leon were wringing water out of their soggy clothes. Everyone heard something barking and turned to see Carlos, Ark, and Rebecca, puppy in her arms, come walking towards them.

"You got a dog?" Leon asked.

"Carlos bought him for me." Rebecca chimed. "Isn't he cute?"

Claire put her face next to the Lab, who gave her a big lick. "He's friendly too. What name will you give him?"

"I don't know." Rebecca said. "But I do know he'll have a good home."

Chris opened his door and got behind the wheel. "Pack it up people, we're going." Everyone stuffed their bags and boxes in the back off the van and got inside. Chris backed out of the parking space and drove off. "Hey guys." Chris said. "Next time you decide to go shopping, count me in."

Author's Comments: Amazing how much trouble these guys can get into. Good thing they didn't get arrested. This is my first attempt at a humorous story, so I hope if did a good job. I'm planning on writing some more humor stories, so watch out. Anyway, it looks like Chris ended up enjoying the day. Despite the others somewhat illegal and inappropriate actions, he ended up in a good mood. By the way, all the anime titles mentioned are actual anime movies. Some of the stores are really, but the others I made up.

This is the second short story of mine. Soon I'll be writing my next big story, Judgment Day. I'll be big. I also have several other storied I plan to write, including two series. Until then, enjoy.

Excerpt from Judgment Day:

After a half-hour the women exited the bathroom. "Damn." Jill said. "Chris is still asleep." She pointed to Chris, still sleeping in the chair.

"He's a heavy sleeper." Claire said. "Expect him to be out for a while."

"I thought you two would never get out of there." Chris said, a smirk on his face. He opened his eyes and looked at the women. "I was beginning to worry."

"How long have you been awake?" Claire asked.

"Long enough." Her brother replied. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get dressed." Chris got up and pulled some jeans and a patterned long-sleeve shirt from a bag and walked into the bathroom.

"That did not sound good." Jill said. "I hope he didn't hear our little talk."

"You and me both." Claire answered, starting to pick out clothes. She got out some kaki pants and a gray polo shirt.

The phone rang and Jill went to answer. "Did you guys request a wake-up call?"

"No, not that I'm aware of." Claire said, putting on some underwear.

Jill picked up the receiver. "Hello?"

"Don't hang up the phone. Listen to what I have to say." It was the person who had talked to both Barry and Leon. "You and your friends are in grave danger. There is an Umbrella agent on his way to eliminate you. Get out of the hotel now. You don't have much time left."


End file.
